Day 5 & 6: You know what rhymes with Saturday? Wine!

You know who can't have any? Me! Coz there's No Fun 'til Xmas!

I have to admit, I weighed myself this morning. I planned (on my weekly planner) to only weigh myself once a week for 3 reasons:
1. I know from experience that my weight fluctuates up and down all the time and it's normal
2. If I happen to catch it on an upswing then I get terribly morose and then self-sabotage
3. It's not about the weight

But, I needed something this morning. Something to let me know that my discomfort is worth it. I needed to feel strong and powerful. And it worked! I have lost 3.6 kilos since Day 1. It gave me the drive to keep going and to feel good about justifying torture (it's an ethical issue; savvy? ;) )

Yesterday I had to go out for most of the day but I really enjoyed the coffee I bought at Muzz Buzz. I have long blacks with just a dash of milk so it's the perfect treat. They are not so great on a mainly empty stomach as they make me all jittery and a bit yuk if I have a big one. But they are a treat and they make me feel happy. I just have to monitor the size of the ones I buy.

The idea of coffee is not really what this blog post is about but it leads me into the idea I had in mind. The concept of mindfulness is not a hokey, new-agey notion; it's an evidence-based, psychological process that helps us slow down and focus on the things that truly matter in our lives. It's about embracing emotions and allowing them to come and go and not judging yourself for having them, For me, it's about finding joy in the smallest things and coming to the realisation that it's those tiny, fleeting moments that make up a lived life; a well-lived life, if we notice them,

I have often been one of those people who feels a sense of guilt that my life is relatively good in terms of safety, family love and protection, lack of abuse, and the fortune of having being born into a free country where I have abundance and the right to do and speak as I please. But recently, through my growing interest in secular philosophies, I have come to understand that it is my duty as a fortunate human being on this planet to enjoy that fact. To pursue happiness is not just a right or a privilege; it's an imperative. I have been infinitesimally lucky enough to have this life so I must relish it or I do a great disservice to all who are not so fortunate. A great part of that is giving back, of course. But a great part is not taking for granted the tiny, sweet, and often unnoticed things that make up a joyful, abundant, and beautiful life. The good and the terrible; the hardships and the ease; the agony and the lightness of every day being.

One part of writing a fucking boring weightloss blog is to make it about so much more than weightloss. I am determined not to focus on the weight because that's what I have always done and doing what you've always done, when it doesn't work, is the definition of...? That's right, insanity. Did Einstein say that? Smart man. It's also the path of futility.

Another great man, George Costanza, said that doing the opposite of everything you have ever done before is the way to success. I happen to agree, hence this (hopefully not-so-fucking-boring blog). The list of things below are the tiny moments that give me great dollops of joy and I want to acknowledge those things now and open them up to the sunlight. These are the things which give my life meaning (not in the massive, metaphysical way but more in the micro, the internal, the ways-that-matter-most kind of way). These are the things that, if I lost them, would make my heart ache or break, depending on the moment. This small list, this infinite and never-to-be-completed-til-I-take-my-last-breath list, is what makes me who I am. And, ultimately, makes this process of losing weight into something so much more than what it's been before:

Overcast mornings
The breeze through the sheer, deep red curtains in our bedroom
The tinkling of the chimes on a windy night
The coffee my husband brings me in bed every morning of my life
The second cup he makes me when I ask
The knowledge after 45 years, that I know I am not a morning person and that I do not have to feel less than because I don't make it up to see the sunrise or "the best part of the day" because I am a dusk kind of girl. I love the gloaming (even the word!) and the night and those people who love the morning are welcome to it because I get the crickets and the stars and the black universe above my head.
I love the fact that, on the way to work through the forest of trees, I get a daily glimpse of the cliff on the South Ledge where my grandparents' ashes are scattered. And it makes me smile every morning. Partly because I loved them; partly because I remember the day we scattered them and the wind blew Mumma's back into my face and hair and I had to spit bits out; partly because of the poor man who was walking the trail and had to witness the debacle; but mostly because I am evil and I know that my grandparents were divorced for 35 years and now they have to spend eternity side-by-side (we made sure to leave a gap).
Pickled capsicum from a big jar
Any olive, anywhere, at any time
Sleep
Our 2nd toilet
My husband and children who I would maim, torture, and murder for if it came to the crunch.
The flattering mirror in the staff dunny
Ego
Confidence
Humility
Complexity
Laughter

                                                           What I THINK I look like

                                                       

                                                         What I SUSPECT I look like

                                                                 What I FEAR I look like

                                                   What I HOPE I NEVER look like

                                                     What I APPARENTLY look like

                                                          What I too oftern look like

                               (What my husband wishes I looked like all day long, at the drop of a hat)

Days 3&4: Feeling like crap but knowing it won't last coz...science

I won't kid you; Day 3 was shit and I had to meditate my way through the blues, the hunger pains, and the cravings for bread. I also took two walks yesterday just to get out of my own funk. It worked! I made lunch and dinner for the family and resisted every urge to grab bulk onion rings and shove them into my salivating gob. I see that as a small victory.

But, when you are doing something as drastic as trying to lose weight (especially when nothing else has worked for 8 years of trying, and prior to that, you only had to stop looking at bread and potatoes to lose weight), it's vital that you DON'T go along with the fads and you DO consult actual science and medical advice instead of unverified, pseudo-scientific, hippy webpages.

So here's the boring stuff that is not-so-boring when you need to know what's going on inside your own bod:

The point of a VLCD (very low calorie diet) is your body goes into mild ketosis. There is nothing wrong with this but it's hard to get through the induction phase (3 days).

So, I got through Day 3 by drinking a lot of water, walking, and trying new meditations. The one I liked the best was from a podcast I get on my iPhone called "The Meditation Station" and it was The Zone for Emotional Weightloss. Mindfullness meditation and visualisation are scientifically-proven methods for altering one's experience and forming healthy changes. My specialist recommends them and he has never steered me wrong in the years I have been seeing him. I am going to try out some different meditation podcasts today to see what else I like and can use for different situations in my life when I would ordinarily turn to food for comfort or stress-release.

                                                   Me wishing I was dead earlier in Day 3

                                        Me later on in the day after a walk and some lippy :)

Reference: http://www.docsopinion.com/2014/06/02/ketosis/


Best thing? Heading into Day 4 feeling great and looking forward to the challenge. See you on the other side.

Day 2: Sunshine and (yesterday's) Baked Beans

The whole reason I started this narcissistic blog about something as (let's face it) fucking boring as weight loss is because I usually give in by the afternoon of the first day. So do most sane people (or so I like to tell myself...)

Hence, this fucking boring weight loss blog.

I need to feel accountable to someone other than myself without paying money to organisations that charge you for the use of their scales (and where Little Britain's Fat Fighter's Club comes to mind).

I also love to write so it gets me doing two things I need to be doing - eating less and writing more.

Today was easy-peasy really. I kept thinking about food and the usual responses to walking into the kitchen and seeing food were what was to be expected from someone with short-term memory loss and low blood sugar: I would like a peanut butter sandwich. Um, no, you can't have one. What? Why? You're an idiot. Oh, I forgot. Shit. (Rolls eyes). Drinks water instead...yum.

Unfortunately, yesterday's binging on everything in the cupboard in order to get rid of it had some unintended, and unwanted, side-effects as, having no food in the house lately due to financial difficulties, the only really large stockpile of anything (apart from Merlot and Classic White) was baked beans and stuffed olives. I paid for last night's efforts to reduce the stockpile, well, today, shall we say...and this evening. And tonight.

I went for a walk to the shops, which was a little hard on the injured tailbone but I swung my hips a bit and the stretch felt therapeutic. Got the sun on my shoulders and a dose of Vitamin D. I didn't feel hungry in the Coles aisles and only did a double-take once at the 2 for $5 offer on Pringles. So I got my walk in, helped the environment, flushed out my kidneys with lots of water, and watched a motivational vid of the chemical changes by body is going through and what to expect tomorrow.

Today was meditation day so I found one that repeated how much I love my body, over and over, til I had to stop the bloody thing. You see, I don't have a problem with NOT loving my body; my problem is loving my body too damn much! I feed what I love, like my kids and my husband. If I want to show love to someone, I cook for them or buy them good coffee spontaneously. Or I leave sweeties on people's desks at work. Or I supply them with wine and cheese. Get my point?

I found a better one that gets you to visualise yourself in white, vibrant light and imagining yourself lighter. I liked that one and I relaxed and fell asleep. But it sort of sunk in the way it was supposed to and I will probably go to that meditation when I feel the urge to eat what I am not supposed to.

Tomorrow I am going to enjoy the morning sunshine and sit outside with my morning coffee and talk to our beautiful rescue hens. I am going to stay mindful of the feelings and the hunger pangs and I am going to let them wash over me and imagine a lighter, healthier me. Tomorrow is the second day of the intensive phase so I will probably need all the help I can get. But I will do it. And I will, by day's end, feel great. And I will know inside myself that I am onto a good thing.

And that, even though there's "No Fun 'til Xmas", that's not entirely true because I had lots of fun finding this 70s record cover called, you guessed it, "Sunshine and Baked Beans.

DAY 1 : Getting ready by eating and drinking everything in sight.

I am keeping a blog of my 'weight loss journey' (as they say ad nauseum on reality shows) because I am pretty much throwing my weight behind this endeavour with everything I have (pun intended).

I am not expecting anyone to read it or give a shit; I am simply writing this experience day-by-day for my own benefit and accountability. And to keep my sense of humour alive whilst attempting a kind of 'in-the-moment' mindfulness.

I figure if I make it public then I am likely to be more accountable. (I do tend towards starting things and then retreating and choosing to hide under the covers of my doona until the guilt passes...)

I have made a simple chart outlining the next few months until Xmas and have added in calorie intake, weight-loss meditation and visualisation sessions, basic exercise, and when I am due to listen to the Psychology of Eating podcast.

I am going to get daily motivational tips from the Optifast website (which acts like an on-line Over-eaters Anonymous sponsor) and I now have an iPhone which I have loaded with all my fave music plus exercise music podcasts.

Last, but not least, yesterday I spent the day polishing off all the food and wine in the house so there's nothing left. And we have no money, so there will be nothing in the fridge for awhile.

I am only weighing myself once a week and my focus is on how I feel instead. Also how my clothes feel. I do not hate myself or the way I look so I believe I have a healthy plan for myself based on health needs and choices. It's about feeling good and being healthy.

I am also not going to kill myself with exercise because that will only lead to failure. At 45 years-old, I certainly know what doesn't work for me, even if I am still to find what does. As I said, the focus is on feeling good both physically and mentally. Also, I have damaged my coccyx quite severely by falling on it on a tiled floor (2nd time in two years) and so I will be gently exercising and doing special yoga stretches to relieve the pain of this.

I am starting this endeavour now as it is the school holidays and I am a teacher so it gives me the head-space to think for a change about my own needs instead of 100 other people in my day and week.

Pic One: An illustrated interpretation of the next 96 days of hell...

Pic Two: Me hiding in bed with bed hair, no make-up, and wondering what the fuck I am thinking doing this ridiculous diet AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!!!?????



Well, here it is folks and neighbours! I have eaten and got pissed (all in a good cause, you understand...) on everything in sight and so now it's time to begin!

Tune in (or not) for the first real installment of No Fun Til Xmas!!! xxxx